16 Lessons from Waiting Tables

I've been in the restaurant business for four years.  Some days it is incredibly satisfying; others, it is the epitome of misery.  As I've reflected on my experience in this industry, I've concluded that waiting tables should be required life experience because of the character and perspective it develops.  Here's a list of important life lessons I've garnered from my time in an apron:

1). Wear comfortable shoes.
Sometimes, looks don't matter.  Comfortable, supportive footwear is incredibly underrated.

2). Smile no matter what.
Everyone has bad days. But in a restaurant, smiling directly translates to money, and is therefore a necessity.  Taking someone's order when they're cradling a screaming child (aka "human siren"), is NOT fun. Smile through it, folks 'cause there's a fat tip on the other side.

3). You're not that great.
Everyone in the world thinks they're pretty great. Myself included.  But there's nothing like having to bare-hand a sticky, fuzz-laden chicken tender off the floor to instill a bit of humility.  Nobody is above these types of tasks, servers just do it for money.

4). Listen.
"What's that? You wanted your salad chopped, but not tossed, with diced tomatoes instead of cherry tomatoes, no dressing, but oil and vinegar on the side, and 3.7 croutons?  Easy enough." Listening intently when others speak is a sink or swim skill in life, and is quickly learned as a server.

5). Have a thick skin.
Some people are just miserable for NO reason.  Carrying someone else's negative energy around is pointless, and letting it effect your mood hurts only you (and your tip percentage). Put up a force field!

6).  Laugh when you're stressed.
Restaurants (and life) can get crazy. When the dinner rush hits and you're understaffed and out of every single thing you need, cracking a joke can make all the difference.

7). You are more than your job.
Regardless of whether you're the shortstop for the Yankees, CEO of Google, or a dishwasher at crappy backwoods diner, your identity is bigger than your vocation.  Don't get discouraged if you feel stuck, hate your job, or want to do something bigger and better - you're job isn't who you are, it's just how you pay the bills.

8). Admit when you're wrong.
Everyone makes mistakes. Having the guts to call it out yourself demonstrates humility and diffuses tension.

9). Say "Sure," "No problem," and "Absolutely"
These phrases put others at ease by making them confident in your ability to accomplish what they've asked.  Even if they're asking for something extraordinary, make them  know you've got it all under control.

10). Think ahead.
When I eat out, nothing impresses me more than when a server brings something I'm going to need ahead of time.  Continually ask yourself "What is my customer/boss going to need next?" Then do it without asking.  People will notice.




11). Take risks.
Taking risks is scary, but the biggest payoffs often come from taking a chance.  Cracking a joke in a big meeting, daring to contradict the majority, and suggesting unconventional solutions are all huge risks - but that's how progress is made.





12). Be a team player.
Assisting a coworker ALWAYS pays off.  Always.

13). Ask for help.
Take the world off your shoulders and let somebody help.

14). Take compliments.
Someone comments on your sharp new haircut, what do you do?  Deflect it? Reject it? or accept it? The best thing to do is smile, acknowledge the compliment with a gracious "Thank you," and tell them you appreciate them noticing.

15). Give compliments.
When you see something you like, voice your opinion.  Everyone likes to be appreciated.

16). Be yourself.
Everyone is unique, but for some reason many people are afraid of showing their uniqueness. Are you wierd? Be weird. Nerdy? Be proud of it.  Quirky? Own it. People are attracted to individuals who own who they are and show their authentic self to the world.

Dude out,

-C.R.

A Dudely Attempt at Poetry?

Not sure what one does with a poem they've written...I decided just to post mine here.

The Wave

I the wave, now but a swell,

creeping toward the shore.

Surely I will change the earth,

like nothing has before.

I the wave, gaining speed,

summon greater might;

I will be remembered for

transformation I incite.

I the wave, with snarling lip,
arrive with massive blow;
strong and hard, exert my weight
my effort here must show.

I the wave, a meager flow

retreat meekly from the land,

for t'was my purpose as a wave

to be broken by the sand.

And I, a wave no more

will never be recalled;

I played my role, I did my part,

I've given it my all.

So to sea from which I've come,

I tip my frothy cap.

For one of me is not that much

But millions change a map.

Dude out,

-C.R.

Singleness: The Value of Your Own Company

In 2010, I lived by myself in a one-bedroom attic apartment in the Bloomfield neighborhood of Pittsburgh.  It was my first experience living in a city - a huge change for a kid that grew up constructing tree houses and ambling all over an expansive eight acre backyard.  Oddly enough though, the most common question my friends and relatives asked was not "How's city life treating you?" but rather "Isn't it weird living alone?" or "Are you doing okay with living by yourself?"  Living alone was tough at first.  But not wanting to appear weak or needy, my answer was always that I was doing fine and enjoyed having my own space.  Over the course of that year, I learned to appreciate and value being alone.  As many single people know, relationships with family and friends are crucial to living a meaningful and happy life sans romance.  To their detriment however, many single dudes fail to realize that being alone is just as important as maintaining relationships.

Being Alone Is Not Weird

Individuals who spend a lot of time by themselves are often perceived as antisocial recluses who distance themselves from others because they cannot cope with the pressures of interpersonal communication.  Conversely, people with thousands of Facebook friends and a jam-packed social calendar are considered "well-adjusted."  Oftentimes however, those who feel as they must always have company are the least well-adjusted, requiring the presence of others for security and value.  Being alone, while often avoided, is actually a normal and vital part of single life.

The Value of Your Own Company

We engage the world differently when we're alone.

When in the company of others, we tend to engaging those people in conversation, taking our focus away from the activity at hand.  Take for instance, the activity of hiking.  Group hiking is about spending time with friends, whereas hiking alone permits the hiker to fully engage the wilderness around him without the distraction of other humans.  This past winter, I went on a ski trip to Mammoth Mountain by myself.  I noticed that I was more inclined to engage strangers on the lift, speak with other skiers in the lodge, and engage strangers in line than I would have been if I had company. Overall, I felt more open to experiencing and interacting with my environment because I wasn't centering my attention on another person.

Being alone instills social confidence.

Spending time alone instills an inner confidence and security that translates to social security (ha! double meaning!).  Those who are confident enough to experience the world on their own often develop a strong confidence to interact with others.  The more situations I handle by myself, without the security of family or friends, the more self reliant and poised I am in unfamiliar or uncomfortable social situations.  Thus, intentionally spending time alone can actually inform and enhance social interaction.

It is possible to spend too much time alone, and like any other pursuit, balance is key.  In our society however, I think that spending time alone is undervalued and under-practiced.  Single dudes should take advantage of the freedom single life provides and discover the benefits of doing things solo.

Dude out,

-C.R.  

Singleness: Self-Discovery

Lonely Days

Being single and 3,000 miles away from my family during the holidays this past year was horrible.  After two days of smothering my loneliness with action movies and Digiorno pizza, I decided enough was enough.  I couldn't take it any more.  I drug myself off the couch, opened my laptop, and begrudgingly paid $30 for a three month eHarmony membership.  Merry Christmas to me.  As I proceeded to fill out my profile, a series of thoughts washed across my mind like an Everlasting Gobstopper of emotions.  The first layer was bitter shame: "I can't believe I'm PAYING to be introduced to girls. Extreme life fail." Then came a wave of mildly pleasant justification: "It's 2013 - the digital age!  This is just how it works."  This was quick replaced by sweet, refreshing hope: "There are going to be SO many awesome girls on here!"

There weren't.

Three months later, I had gone on only one date (she was nice, but not for me) and was completely over online dating.  Since I had to get my $30 worth, I spent at least 45 minutes each day examining potential matches - researching them and flipping through unsatisfactory pictures (please remove your Aviators so I can see your face!!!).  And for what? A mediocre date? What a waste.

Well...not entirely.  In the months following my eHarmony adventure, I realized that I had overlooked the best part of the eHarmony service: my own personality analysis.  I spent hours looking at the girls' profiles and had barely glanced at my own.  

This is fairly characteristic of how outwardly focused us single guys often are - caring more about the girl we don't have than our own lives.  (After all, I wouldn't want to miss out on a life of bliss with my dream girl because I didn't see her strolling past!).  Relationships are all about getting to know another person better - to learn about their likes, dislikes, and how they operate.  But I think that single dudes should turn that same microscope on their own lives to investigate and study themselves.

Why Self-Discovery?

To individuals who contend that self-discovery is a pointless, hippy, new-agey pursuit - here are a few solid rationales:

1). Confidence.  Knowing how you handle conflict, what motivates you, and how you best receive affection inspires self-assurance, confidence, and poise.

2). Decision Making.  Being aware of how you respond in different environments and stimuli can help when choosing where to live, what career to pursue, or even what to do on the weekend.

3). Growth.  Learning about your strengths and weaknesses is a crucial step in goal setting and personal development. 

How to Research Yourself

Self discovery is not like finding a buried treasure.  You don't suddenly uncover the ancient book of "You Secrets" and instantly understand yourself thoroughly.  We're humans, which means we change, we grow, and we adapt.  Thus, learning about oneself is a continuous process that takes time and intentional effort.  There are however, tools that can provide phenomenal insights into our lives.  I have found the following to be among the most helpful:

1). Myers Briggs Typology.  One of my undergrad professors included MB in her class and I have used it ever since.  I highly suggest paying for the real, full personality test - it is unbelievably insightful.  If you are short on cash, you can self test (just google Free Myers Briggs test).  My typology has changed over the past few years  - I'm now most closely associated with Extroverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving - or ENFP.

2). Strengths Finder.  This little book (developed by Tom Rath) includes an online personality test that will identify your greatest strengths.  Anyone that I've talked to about this book has found it extremely helpful and insightful. In case you're wondering, my biggest strengths are Adaptability, Communication, Ideation, Positivity, and Strategic.

3). Interrogate your family and friends.  It can take a bit of courage to ask people you know to analyze you, but those who truly know you can often provide invaluable perspective on your life.  Ask questions like, "What patterns of behavior do you see in me that I can work on?" "In your opinion, what are my greatest strengths and weaknesses?" "How do I handle conflict?"  "What five words best describe me?"

4). Reflection. Take time to really think about who you are.  Often times, pondering the insights provided by the above tools can assist in developing your own valuable conclusions.  I regularly take time to put aside the concerns and worries of life, retreat to a private location, and reflect on my activity, behavior, and life choices.  I also review my Myers Briggs and Strengths Finder profiles every few months.   Many times this provokes new behavior and challenges me to grow in new areas.  Best of all, it provides assurance that I am living in a way that is consistent with my goals, values, and personality.

Oh, and I re-read my own eHarmony profile.  It said I care deeply about adventure, self-discovery, and living consistently within my own value system.  Go figure.

Dude out,

-C.R.

Singleness & Independence: Don't Be a Floater

If there is one thing about being a single guy that I love, it is complete and utter independence.  I have no wife for which to provide, and no children who need fatherly love and attention.  All my bills are my own.  All my free time is my own.  All my worries are my own.  I am responsible for one thing: myself (and since I'm a pretty low maintenance guy, I have never found taking care of me very demanding). 

My life is like the scene in Sound of Music where Julie Andrews is twirling around a mountain meadow in her apron, freely roaming where she pleases, completely devoid of worry, care, or responsibility...

Well, it's like that, but MANLY…

The Paradox of Independence

Experiencing pure autonomy for the first time after college was exhilarating.  I finally possessed what I had dreamt of since first grade: a life unfettered from both academic and parental limitations - a life of total independence.  I was my own man, doing my own man thing, and no one could tell me otherwise.  [Insert Tim Taylor “man grunts” here].  Soon however, I realized that my freedom, rather than allowing me to live life fully, was actually inhibiting my development as a man.  Without the structure and pressure of responsibility, I was like a balloon with no string - adrift and directionless.  As counterintuitive as it may seem, I needed to be less independent.  Less free.

The concept of gravity provides an excellent illustration of how limitations can provide freedom to move forward.  Gravity, while often perceived as a restricting force (I blame it for my inability to dunk a basketball, for example), is actually a liberating force that provides the necessary resistance for our daily lives.  Without the constant pull of gravity, we would not be able to build houses, drive cars, or even play sports.   Similarly, us dudes require a certain amount of attachment and responsibility to grow and develop.  Unfortunately, our lives often lack the confining structures and pressures that enable progress and growth.  The responsibilities of “adult” life often feel so distant that it is easy to merely float along.  So what’s a single dude to do? Here are a few action steps:

1). Be Needed

One way to create structure and responsibility is to commit to regularly meeting a need.  I think all humans, but men in particular have a deep psychological need to be needed.  We want to feel like our lives are significant and that others rely on us.  Finding a continuing need to meet – whether sponsoring a foreign child’s education, or volunteering at a food bank, or cutting a neighbor’s grass – will provide a confining structure and spur development. 

2). Be Accountable

Any worthwhile pursuit takes time, effort and commitment.  But even with the right intentions and motivation it is very easy to bail on commitments without accountability.  Whenever I want to make progress in any area of my life (whether writing, exercise, or a project), I make sure to tell people my plan.  The restriction and pressure of my public commitment provides the tension I need to move forward and reach my goals. 

3). Help out the married dudes.

A great way to avoid floating is to find a dude whose life has him pinned in a painful scissor-hold, and climb into the ring to help.  Babysit his ornery, pureed-yam-spewing kid.  Wash his sporty Chrysler Town & Country.  Help him build a sandbox.  Just go to any grocery store and you’ll see plenty of family dudes that could use your help.  Show these dudes love by lending a hand, and create growth in your own life.

Please don't misconstrue my argument as a rant against fun or freedom.  I’m not saying single guys can’t enjoy their autonomy by living a life full of care-free spontaneity.  By all means, go to the mountain meadow.  Do the male equivalent of skirt twirling.  I’m all for that.  I just think that us single guys will only develop and grow into better men when we stop avoiding responsibility and commitment and actively engage the world around us.  Do that, and you won’t end up being a floater.

Dude out,

-C.R.

Singleness: Introduction

The Plan

I was supposed to meet the love of my life during my junior year of college.  Her name would be Angela.  We'd be introduced through a friend or in a class and start dating a couple of months later.  My friends would all be jealous (because Angela was insanely attractive), and her friends would rave about the " gorgeous kids" we'd have.  She and I would grow closer throughout our senior year, and the summer after graduation I would plan and execute the most heart-felt and creatively romantic proposal in the history of love.  We'd get married at the Garden of the Gods in Colorado surrounded by our families and friends, and ride off to our honeymoon in a hot air balloon with the word "Forever" on the side...

The Reality

Now I'm 26 years old. Single as ever. I have had a few minor excursions down the dating trail, but for the most part, I've journeyed on the singleness highway my entire life.  Hmmphf.  I sure wasn't

expecting that.  At first, the single life confused me, but in five years since my life diverged from "the plan," I have uncovered many truths about myself, about life, and especially about living as a single adult.  The next series of blog posts will focus on how to be single, and how to do it right.  First though, I think it may be helpful to outline a few somewhat counterintuitive truths about being a single dude.

1. Relationships don't make us men.

Our culture often equates a man's maturity to his relationship status.  Regrettably, this fallacy can deceive single men into believing and behaving as if they are not "true" adult men.  A few years ago, I heard a speaker on the radio chastising young men for being single.  I was curious and turned up the volume.   My rage was instantly ignited when he shouted that a man is not a man until he fulfills his destiny by entering marriage and starting a family.  With all due respect Mr. Ignorant Man, my identity as a man is not dependent upon a wife and children.  While getting married and having kids are two of the manliest life pursuits, they are not a rite of passage ritual that legitimizes a man or makes him an adult.

2. Singleness shouldn't be passive.

We all know the stereotypical scene: a scruffy pre-man in disheveled clothing, lounging atop a tower of filthy laundry with a PS3 controller, fingers stained orange from the last Cheetos binge. If this is you: cart loads of dude shame be upon you. Defining singleness as merely the absence of a relationship is narrow-minded, and limiting.  Being in a relationship with a girl is an active state of living that requires effort and intentionality.  Living as a single adult is the same way. Doing it well takes work, effort, and purpose.  Life does not start when you get a girlfriend, it is happening now - and there are things we should be doing as single adults.  It is time to take responsibility and ownership for our lives as single men and quit slouching around for a girl to get us into gear.

3. Singleness is an opportunity, not a problem.

Imagine for a moment what you would do if someone paid all your expenses for a year.  Backpack across Europe? Learn ice carving? Take guitar lessons?

Visit every ballpark in the US?  Most people would not approach a year of financial freedom as a curse, but as a wonderful opportunity.  This is the perspective we should have of the single life.  It is something for which to be grateful.  Something exciting and invigorating that should be taken hold of and lived with intentionality, with purpose, and with drive.  But, similar to a year free of bills, the opportunity of singleness can be easily wasted.  Singleness is often squandered in pursuit of frivolous and childish aims that reek of selfishness, pride, and self-gratification.  This is not merely regrettable, but an appalling travesty.  

So that, my dudely companions, is the impetus for this series - to spark a new culture among single dudes that recognizes the purpose and value of singleness, challenging them (and myself) to live intentional, meaningful lives regardless of our relationship status.

Dude out,

-C.R.

Challenge 12: DUDE TREK

For those of you who don't know, I am migrating to Los Angeles, and rather than ship everything and take a flight, I have decided to attempt  across the country.  Fairly standard, right?  Hordes of people have done this, (and I've actually done it before via the classic computer game Oregon Trail).  I don't want to do what everyone has done, so I've come up with a Dude Trek from Pittsburgh to Los Angeles that will  enjoyable, interesting, and memorable.  Here's what I've come up with:

The Route:

I will drive the 3,228 miles (57 hours) in 9 days.  I could have tried to beast out the trip in 4 or 5 days but I would have morphed into a raging road zombie and missed seeing the countryside.  I will be taking a northern route (a lot of I-80) until I get to Yellowstone National Park, then I will cut down through Idaho and Nevada, swing through Yosemite National Park, and wind up in sunny southern California.  Check out the specific route here: Dude Trek.

The Accomodations:
Hotels are for traveling salesman, pregnant women, and fools.  I refuse to pay $50 a night to stay in dirtbag hotels when I LOVE sleeping outdoors.  After doing a little research, I discovered that many National Parks charge entry fees, but it is legal to do "dispersed camping" in a National Forest or grassland.  So being the frugal and adventurous soul that I am, I purchased a Blue Ridge Camping Hammock and decided to hop from National Forest to National Forest.  This way I save on cash and get to check out more of the north western states. I gave the thing a trial run in my parent's barn...not too shabby.

The Experiment:
Driving alone can be cool...for a little while.  But then it's just not anymore.  So, I decided to make the trip interesting by conducting a bit of a social experiment.  It's called "#RoadTalk."  I am posting signs in my car windows with my phone number and a message that tells passersby to call me (maybe).  When/if they call, I will be interviewing and discussing random topics with them.  It is an opportunity to meet new people, pass the time, and maybe get a good story or two.  Oh, and I'll be video taping these carversations to put on Youtube for your viewing pleasure.  Check out the preview here.

You can keep up with my adventures by following @TheDudeLife on Twitter.

Dude Out,

-C.R.