Dude Skills Part 1: Dudes & Food

Greetings,

For the next several weeks, I will be focusing on basic dude skills - things that all men should attempt to learn. Obviously all men have different talents, but there are some areas in which all dudes should be adept. The first, and one of the most basic of these skills is cooking.

Why Should Dudes Cook?
All men should learn the basics of cooking. Period. No exceptions. The best justification for this statement is that every man should be capable of self-sustenance and possess the ability to provide for himself. If a man is placed in a fully stocked kitchen, he should have the knowledge and skill to produce not only edible caloric mash, but a legitimate home cooked meal. One of my personal goals is to become as good, if not a better cook than my wife. Granted, this goal could be met by simply marrying a girl who has the chef talent of the Grinch, but I don't plan on making that mistake.

A second reason for learning to cook is to impress girls. Relationship Axiom #82: Girls LOVE to be cooked for. They not only like it because it is something thoughtful and romantic, but also does their work for them. Anytime a dude cooks for his girl, she immediately deposits 25 platinum brownie points into his account.

Cooking Like a Dude
As men, there are several areas of food preparation that are specifically delegated as our responsibility. These two skills are NOT optional. All dudes MUST LEARN the following:

GRILLING
Any man who cannot grill a piece of meat is not to be trusted. In my opinion, grilling should be taught in premarital classes because it is absolutely critical to a successful marriage, good parenting, and a healthy family (it is also essential for dude activities like tailgating). A man without grill skills is more useless than a snuggie. If you do not know how to grill, buy some meat, and find an elderly grill master to show you the ropes. You will never regret learning this dude skill.

OPEN-AIR COOKING
Also known as Campfire Cooking, Open-Air cooking is another dude skill that is essential to a dude's quality of life. Although it is not as critical as grilling, campfire cooking is a unique skill that almost NO women know. Thus executing your manly responsibility to provide for your woman can be as easy as shoving a hot dog on a pole and warming it over a fire. As you progress in your skill (through exposure to open air "chefs") you will advance from cooking hot dogs and marshmallows to cooking mountain pies, and even steak and eggs over the fire. It should also be noted that using primitive tools makes the meal more dudelike, as does cooking elegant meals. Thus cooking fillet Mignon and mashed potatoes using only a rock and a stick would require extreme dude skill.

Other Cooking:
There are two other types of cooking that dudes should learn: stove top cooking, and baking. The more skill a dude acquires on the stove top, the more dudely he becomes. In terms of importance, stove top cooking is like extra points in football. Although you can succeed without it, the more efficient you become, the better off you will be. Thus, grilling should be learned first, followed by either open-air or stove top cooking. (Note: It is not un-dudelike to take a cooking class or to learn to cook from your mother or grandma).

Baking is not nearly as important as any other form of food prep, but it IS something that true dudes will attempt to learn. Most dudes focus on learning two or three baked items. If you have a desire to learn baking, I suggest that you learn the following items in (in order):
1. Boxed Desserts
2. Your favorite dessert.
3. Your girl's favorite dessert.
4. Something that sounds/looks impressive but is super easy to make (this usually involves adding chocolate chips and/or strawberries to a boxed dessert).

Lastly, I think this post would be sadly incomplete without mentioning:

THE TOP 10 DUDE FOODS:
10). Beans - Baked, Fried, Refried, Re-Refried, Pork &. However you have 'em, you gotta love 'em.
9). ??????????? - Dudes never shy away from trying new things, so "trying new things" absolutely qualifies for the Top 10. Plus, it never hurts to have "So, have you ever eaten Bandicoot?" in your pocket as a pickup line (yes, I've had it).
8). Potatoes - Baked, Fried, Mashed or otherwise, spuds are a great carb that goes perfectly with any meat.
7). Cereal - Nothing better than a good bowl of Life or Honey Bunches of Oats. Also great to pack up for adventuring.
6). Nuts - No double entendre or innuendo intended, these little buggers are great for camping, hunting/fishing, sports games, and loads of other dude activities.
5). Fresh Kill - Kill something. Eat said "something." Feel like a dude.
4). Chili - Simple Chili recipe: Equal parts of meat, beans, and manliness.
3). Dried Meat - Simply put, nothing beats a good leathery swath of teriyaki beef jerky.
2). Cheese - Wars have been fought over vast storehouses of cheese. Why? It's THAT good.
1). Meat on a bone or stick: Chicken wings, BBQ Ribs, Chicken on a stick, Kabobs, Pork sticks from your local Chinese joint, or a giant drumstick, eating meat off of a stick or bone separates the sissies from the those topping out the dude-chain.

Dude out,

-C.R.