Dude Skills Part III: Dudes & Dough

As my previous expositions on dudes have indicated, balance is key in any and every facet of a true dudes life. One of the most challenging arenas in which to locate and maintain a proper equilibrium is in the area of finances. This week's issue will discuss common mistakes made by even the truest of dudes and offer insight into how to properly manage one's cash flow.

Unfortunately, most men (or women actually) do not manage their finances correctly. Exhibit A: U.S. economy. (Granted, current government policy is exacerbating the situation - like a cold hearted kid repeatedly kicking his one-legged dog into a pool). Nonetheless, we have arrived in this situation by poor financial planning and over-spending - in short, lack of balance. There are two faulty extremes to financial management, which can be personified by the Tightwad and the Splurger.

Tightwad:

The Tightwad is the individual who refuses to spend his money, regardless of value, need, or occasion. He does not have a specific saving goal in mind, but simply believes in his tiny little heart that spending money is an activity reserved solely for Beelzebub and his offspring. This guy is most often found at garage sales (looking for Christmas gifts for his wife), the bank making a deposit, or in his office reviewing his investments and bank account info.

Splurger:

The Splurger is the person who spends every cent of their income, regardless of value, need, or occasion. He buys on every whim, whiff, or want. This individual is typically seen wandering around malls and stores, and is often known by name because he frequents the establishment so regularly. He is lucky if he checks his bank statement online once a month because he utilizes credit cards to gratify his numerous desires instantaneously.

Rather than focusing on the negative aspects of money management, I have chosen to explain the two positive (and very practical) principles of frugality and generosity that must be juggled to achieve balance.

Frugality:

This concept is quite different than the approach taken by the tightwad. It focuses on 1). Working hard, 2). Avoiding extraneous purchases 3). Finding the best prices. First, frugal dudes work harder and more diligently than the average people. Rather than cutting out of the office or leaving the construction site early on a Friday, they stay until 5:00 so that they reach their weekly 40 hours. Secondly, dudes don't buy crap they don't need - like 17 pairs of shoes, a huge yacht, or a case of beer every weekend. Finally, frugal dudes do not pay extra for a brand name or logo when a generic brand is of equal quality. You wouldn't pay extra for Chiquita bananas just because they put that little blue sticker on the peel. So why pay $35,000 for a luxury automobile when a quality pre-owned Volvo costs half as much (I try to contain my love for Volvos, but I swear it is a genetically inherited trait).

Generosity:

This idea is more complex than simply giving change to a homeless guy or putting a five dollar bill in the little red Salvation Army pot. Rather, it is a calculated, planned, and thought out spending program. The first and most important area of generosity is in tithing. I believe that giving God at LEAST 10% of my weekly paycheck(s) is not really generosity, but a spiritual discipline and a duty called for by Scripture. Secondly, I think it is proper to budget generosity. Plan to buy someone dinner or a gift once a month. (If you choose to buy dinner, I suggest giving a 20-25% tip - Why not?). Lastly, dudes know how to give good gifts. They spend time thinking what a person would enjoy receiving, and then they look around to find the best deal on that item. They do NOT simply go to a garage sale and find a cheap, half broken contraption to give - this is a tightwad practice and is very UN-DUDELIKE. Dude stores include TJ Maxx, Ross, Ollies (careful here though), and Big Lots because they carry high quality and brand name items at discount prices.

Admittedly, being a dude with your money is a challenge. But all you dudes love challenges and rise to the occasion, so no big deal, right?

Dude out,

-C.R.

Dude Skills Part II: Social Dexterity

Greetings,

This second installment in the "Dude Skills" series will address an area in which almost every male can better himself in some way: Social Dexterity.

Social Dexterity: An Explanation
Although my mind is ready to attack the topic like a two year old demolishing a cake, I realize that a brief extrapolation of the term "social dexterity" is indispensable for proper comprehension. (For those with a more limited vocabulary: an explanation of "social dexterity" is needed so you can understand the rest of this post). Simply put, social dexterity is the ability to recognize differing social scenarios and behave accordingly. This does not mean that dudes change who they are depending on the situation. Rather, they are like social chameleons who are constantly aware of their surroundings and simply behave according their environment. This relates directly to the dude principle of balance - in this case, balancing formal and proper manners with informal and less "polite" behavior. I shall refer to these two sides of the social dexterity coin as "social grace" and "social disgrace."

Social Grace:
Often times, males are criticized for being overly vulgar and tasteless - and rightly so. Most men have no concept of how to behave in public. They do not comprehend the understand the difference between the theater and the cinema, the symphony and a rock concert, or a fine restaurant and "Benny's Butt Busting Brew Hut." (And for you non-dudes out there, yes - there are differences between ALL of these). Social grace is the ability to behave in formal and proper situations. They know what to wear, when to speak, what to say, how to address their company, and the difference between a salad and dessert fork. Dudes can be perfectly mannered, sweet, charming, and courteous to those around them. A dude knows how to escort a woman properly and treat her with respect (more on this topic in the future). In summation, a dude can handle himself politely, confidently, and with poise in even the most formal of situations.

Social Disgrace:
Most men have no problems in this area. There is however, a portion of the male population that simply cannot grasp the concept of relaxation and having a good time. I contend that these men are just as anti-dude as the brute who tells a Hellen Keller joke at a fundraiser for St. Mary's School for the Blind. In fact, I contend that there is a time for men to just relax and BE MEN. This time is almost always when women are not present. Women (and very proper men) need to realize that dudes have an innate need to mock and insult each other, make best friends feel like idiots, and play bloody knuckles until their hands look like inflated medical gloves. To a man, telling his buddy that his nostrils resemble pirate caves (full of treasure of course) is the equivalent to a female telling her best girlfriend: "you can trust me - I understand." Therefore, overly prim and proper men need to learn how to turn down the formal rigidity, loosen up and chill out with their fellow dudes.

Timing: The Key to Social Dexterity
One of the most important factors in balancing social grace and social disgrace is the concept of timing. All great dudes have an impeccable sense of timing. They don't simply blurt things out or act recklessly - they wait for the perfect moment. Perhaps an example would clarify.

A dude named Chester was recently married and is now going to his in law's for his first Christmas as a married man. Herold, his father-in-law, has always been nice to Chester, but their relationship has always been very formal - "yes, sir", "no, sir" type of interaction. It is Chester's goal (as a dude) to develop this relationship into a less formal, more enjoyable friendship. While having Christmas dinner, Chester notices that Christmas goose is very dry and tough. A brilliant joke enters his mind making a comparison between the fowl and his mother-in-law using the word "tough old bird." The joke insults both his mother-in-law AND her cooking - a very risky move. Chester knows however, that the joke would be HILARIOUS and has the potential to lighten his relationship with Herold. What should poor Chester do?

Chester, being a dude, should realize that the joke would NOT go over well at the dinner table and that Herold would be forced to side with his wife in such a public setting and in front of his children. Thus, Chester should wait until after dinner and begin talking about the meal with his father in law. He should attempt to bring up the goose by saying "I've never eaten a goose before - that was very unique." If Herold responds with, "Yeah, uniquely dry." then Chester should proceed with his joke. Otherwise, the comment is too risky to be voiced. This illustrates the concept of timing and how the same behavior can be considered either proper, or improper based upon the social scenario.

The concepts of social dexterity is a critical skill for all dudes, and although it is difficult to develop, the payoff is always worth the effort.

Dude out,

-C.R.

Dude Skills Part 1: Dudes & Food

Greetings,

For the next several weeks, I will be focusing on basic dude skills - things that all men should attempt to learn. Obviously all men have different talents, but there are some areas in which all dudes should be adept. The first, and one of the most basic of these skills is cooking.

Why Should Dudes Cook?
All men should learn the basics of cooking. Period. No exceptions. The best justification for this statement is that every man should be capable of self-sustenance and possess the ability to provide for himself. If a man is placed in a fully stocked kitchen, he should have the knowledge and skill to produce not only edible caloric mash, but a legitimate home cooked meal. One of my personal goals is to become as good, if not a better cook than my wife. Granted, this goal could be met by simply marrying a girl who has the chef talent of the Grinch, but I don't plan on making that mistake.

A second reason for learning to cook is to impress girls. Relationship Axiom #82: Girls LOVE to be cooked for. They not only like it because it is something thoughtful and romantic, but also does their work for them. Anytime a dude cooks for his girl, she immediately deposits 25 platinum brownie points into his account.

Cooking Like a Dude
As men, there are several areas of food preparation that are specifically delegated as our responsibility. These two skills are NOT optional. All dudes MUST LEARN the following:

GRILLING
Any man who cannot grill a piece of meat is not to be trusted. In my opinion, grilling should be taught in premarital classes because it is absolutely critical to a successful marriage, good parenting, and a healthy family (it is also essential for dude activities like tailgating). A man without grill skills is more useless than a snuggie. If you do not know how to grill, buy some meat, and find an elderly grill master to show you the ropes. You will never regret learning this dude skill.

OPEN-AIR COOKING
Also known as Campfire Cooking, Open-Air cooking is another dude skill that is essential to a dude's quality of life. Although it is not as critical as grilling, campfire cooking is a unique skill that almost NO women know. Thus executing your manly responsibility to provide for your woman can be as easy as shoving a hot dog on a pole and warming it over a fire. As you progress in your skill (through exposure to open air "chefs") you will advance from cooking hot dogs and marshmallows to cooking mountain pies, and even steak and eggs over the fire. It should also be noted that using primitive tools makes the meal more dudelike, as does cooking elegant meals. Thus cooking fillet Mignon and mashed potatoes using only a rock and a stick would require extreme dude skill.

Other Cooking:
There are two other types of cooking that dudes should learn: stove top cooking, and baking. The more skill a dude acquires on the stove top, the more dudely he becomes. In terms of importance, stove top cooking is like extra points in football. Although you can succeed without it, the more efficient you become, the better off you will be. Thus, grilling should be learned first, followed by either open-air or stove top cooking. (Note: It is not un-dudelike to take a cooking class or to learn to cook from your mother or grandma).

Baking is not nearly as important as any other form of food prep, but it IS something that true dudes will attempt to learn. Most dudes focus on learning two or three baked items. If you have a desire to learn baking, I suggest that you learn the following items in (in order):
1. Boxed Desserts
2. Your favorite dessert.
3. Your girl's favorite dessert.
4. Something that sounds/looks impressive but is super easy to make (this usually involves adding chocolate chips and/or strawberries to a boxed dessert).

Lastly, I think this post would be sadly incomplete without mentioning:

THE TOP 10 DUDE FOODS:
10). Beans - Baked, Fried, Refried, Re-Refried, Pork &. However you have 'em, you gotta love 'em.
9). ??????????? - Dudes never shy away from trying new things, so "trying new things" absolutely qualifies for the Top 10. Plus, it never hurts to have "So, have you ever eaten Bandicoot?" in your pocket as a pickup line (yes, I've had it).
8). Potatoes - Baked, Fried, Mashed or otherwise, spuds are a great carb that goes perfectly with any meat.
7). Cereal - Nothing better than a good bowl of Life or Honey Bunches of Oats. Also great to pack up for adventuring.
6). Nuts - No double entendre or innuendo intended, these little buggers are great for camping, hunting/fishing, sports games, and loads of other dude activities.
5). Fresh Kill - Kill something. Eat said "something." Feel like a dude.
4). Chili - Simple Chili recipe: Equal parts of meat, beans, and manliness.
3). Dried Meat - Simply put, nothing beats a good leathery swath of teriyaki beef jerky.
2). Cheese - Wars have been fought over vast storehouses of cheese. Why? It's THAT good.
1). Meat on a bone or stick: Chicken wings, BBQ Ribs, Chicken on a stick, Kabobs, Pork sticks from your local Chinese joint, or a giant drumstick, eating meat off of a stick or bone separates the sissies from the those topping out the dude-chain.

Dude out,

-C.R.

Introduction to Dudedom

Greetings, and welcome to the place dedicated to dudes and all things dude.

Today's entry will explain the meaning of the word "dude" and clarify some of the false impressions associated with the use of term.

ANTI-DUDES

Hopefully most of you already know what a "dude" is - but nonetheless, I feel that a proper explanation would be beneficial. Many authors have sought to define and categorize the male gender - some have done so quite effectively (see intro to Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys). Based upon somewhat extensive reading on the subject, and a lifetime of BEING a male, I feel that a considerable portion of the male demographic has been either neglected and/or mistakenly placed into other categories. Such stereotypes include (but are not limited) to:

The "Man Beast": Uncouth, rough, vulgar, typically hunts and slays wild animals daily just to rub his hands in the blood and chant "I am MAN!!!" In short, a Neanderthal in modern clothes.

The "Average Joe": Middle-aged, married, 2-3 kids, hates his job, has a toy or two, watches the football game on Sundays while drinking a few Beers. Unperceptive, insensitive, dull, thick-skulled, and stubborn. The type of male who refuses to ask for directions, attempts to fix the toilet but can't put it back together, and forgets his anniversary.

The "Young Gun" - A young, muscular, arrogant male who is so in love with himself that he cannot understand why his girlfriend left him (even though the reason is that he kissed his biceps more often than her). A male that graduates to either the "Man Beast" or "Average Joe."

The "Pushover": A thin, slouched, man whose overweight wife dictates every second of his existence - down to the number of squares of toilet paper he uses. Using the excuse of "respect" for his wife and others, he is taken advantage of at work, social events, and in familial exchanges.

These types of males are NOT dudes. They are almost as anti-dude as the female gender.

DUDES: A Short Summary of Dudelike Qualities

Although rarely mentioned in modern published work, there is in fact a breed of male that transcends some of the downfalls of stereotypical males. This wonderful creation is the dude.

First, let it be said that although a female cannot BE a dude, it is possible for a female to do dudelike things. With that qualification in mind, we proceed to a summary of the essence of a dude.

When most people hear a phrase like, "he is a dude" they think of an 18 year old punk with a backwards hat, baggy jeans and a sports jersey. FALSE. First and foremost, a true dude's life centers around a balanced lifestyle. This means that while he enjoys going to a ballgame with his buddies on Friday night, he also enjoys washing the car with his kids (yes dudes can have kids), and taking his wife out to a Shakespeare play and a nice dinner. He does not tip the scales toward either the brutal/crude or the pushover/sensitive side. A dude knows when to tell a joke, when to give advise, and when to simply listen. He can carry himself at a banquet, but is not afraid to pee in the woods.

Secondly a true dude (a "Trude"???) posesses a plethora of skill. A dude seeks to develop talents and skills in many areas. This knowledge is not natural talent or ability, but rather the compilation of a lifetime of humble learning. If he lacks skill in an area, a dude has the humility to find another dude who knows and learns from him. Over time, this results in a male that has the ability to perform a variety of tasks and activities. Men with this amount and plethora of skill are often referred to as "Rennaissance Men" and often meet the criteria of dudedom.

Lastly, dudes are dedicated to being dudes. They love life, embrace their commitments, are confident in the pursuit of their goals, and live in such a way so that at the end of their lives, they look back with no regrets. In actuality, dudes are nothing more than true men - but the word "man" has become so stereotypical that it symbolizes things anti-man instead of "man." Thus, this blog is dedicated to a new breed of male: The Dude.


Dude Out.

-C.R.