Singleness & Independence: Don't Be a Floater

If there is one thing about being a single guy that I love, it is complete and utter independence.  I have no wife for which to provide, and no children who need fatherly love and attention.  All my bills are my own.  All my free time is my own.  All my worries are my own.  I am responsible for one thing: myself (and since I'm a pretty low maintenance guy, I have never found taking care of me very demanding). 

My life is like the scene in Sound of Music where Julie Andrews is twirling around a mountain meadow in her apron, freely roaming where she pleases, completely devoid of worry, care, or responsibility...

Well, it's like that, but MANLY…

The Paradox of Independence

Experiencing pure autonomy for the first time after college was exhilarating.  I finally possessed what I had dreamt of since first grade: a life unfettered from both academic and parental limitations - a life of total independence.  I was my own man, doing my own man thing, and no one could tell me otherwise.  [Insert Tim Taylor “man grunts” here].  Soon however, I realized that my freedom, rather than allowing me to live life fully, was actually inhibiting my development as a man.  Without the structure and pressure of responsibility, I was like a balloon with no string - adrift and directionless.  As counterintuitive as it may seem, I needed to be less independent.  Less free.

The concept of gravity provides an excellent illustration of how limitations can provide freedom to move forward.  Gravity, while often perceived as a restricting force (I blame it for my inability to dunk a basketball, for example), is actually a liberating force that provides the necessary resistance for our daily lives.  Without the constant pull of gravity, we would not be able to build houses, drive cars, or even play sports.   Similarly, us dudes require a certain amount of attachment and responsibility to grow and develop.  Unfortunately, our lives often lack the confining structures and pressures that enable progress and growth.  The responsibilities of “adult” life often feel so distant that it is easy to merely float along.  So what’s a single dude to do? Here are a few action steps:

1). Be Needed

One way to create structure and responsibility is to commit to regularly meeting a need.  I think all humans, but men in particular have a deep psychological need to be needed.  We want to feel like our lives are significant and that others rely on us.  Finding a continuing need to meet – whether sponsoring a foreign child’s education, or volunteering at a food bank, or cutting a neighbor’s grass – will provide a confining structure and spur development. 

2). Be Accountable

Any worthwhile pursuit takes time, effort and commitment.  But even with the right intentions and motivation it is very easy to bail on commitments without accountability.  Whenever I want to make progress in any area of my life (whether writing, exercise, or a project), I make sure to tell people my plan.  The restriction and pressure of my public commitment provides the tension I need to move forward and reach my goals. 

3). Help out the married dudes.

A great way to avoid floating is to find a dude whose life has him pinned in a painful scissor-hold, and climb into the ring to help.  Babysit his ornery, pureed-yam-spewing kid.  Wash his sporty Chrysler Town & Country.  Help him build a sandbox.  Just go to any grocery store and you’ll see plenty of family dudes that could use your help.  Show these dudes love by lending a hand, and create growth in your own life.

Please don't misconstrue my argument as a rant against fun or freedom.  I’m not saying single guys can’t enjoy their autonomy by living a life full of care-free spontaneity.  By all means, go to the mountain meadow.  Do the male equivalent of skirt twirling.  I’m all for that.  I just think that us single guys will only develop and grow into better men when we stop avoiding responsibility and commitment and actively engage the world around us.  Do that, and you won’t end up being a floater.

Dude out,

-C.R.