Singleness: Self-Discovery

Lonely Days

Being single and 3,000 miles away from my family during the holidays this past year was horrible.  After two days of smothering my loneliness with action movies and Digiorno pizza, I decided enough was enough.  I couldn't take it any more.  I drug myself off the couch, opened my laptop, and begrudgingly paid $30 for a three month eHarmony membership.  Merry Christmas to me.  As I proceeded to fill out my profile, a series of thoughts washed across my mind like an Everlasting Gobstopper of emotions.  The first layer was bitter shame: "I can't believe I'm PAYING to be introduced to girls. Extreme life fail." Then came a wave of mildly pleasant justification: "It's 2013 - the digital age!  This is just how it works."  This was quick replaced by sweet, refreshing hope: "There are going to be SO many awesome girls on here!"

There weren't.

Three months later, I had gone on only one date (she was nice, but not for me) and was completely over online dating.  Since I had to get my $30 worth, I spent at least 45 minutes each day examining potential matches - researching them and flipping through unsatisfactory pictures (please remove your Aviators so I can see your face!!!).  And for what? A mediocre date? What a waste.

Well...not entirely.  In the months following my eHarmony adventure, I realized that I had overlooked the best part of the eHarmony service: my own personality analysis.  I spent hours looking at the girls' profiles and had barely glanced at my own.  

This is fairly characteristic of how outwardly focused us single guys often are - caring more about the girl we don't have than our own lives.  (After all, I wouldn't want to miss out on a life of bliss with my dream girl because I didn't see her strolling past!).  Relationships are all about getting to know another person better - to learn about their likes, dislikes, and how they operate.  But I think that single dudes should turn that same microscope on their own lives to investigate and study themselves.

Why Self-Discovery?

To individuals who contend that self-discovery is a pointless, hippy, new-agey pursuit - here are a few solid rationales:

1). Confidence.  Knowing how you handle conflict, what motivates you, and how you best receive affection inspires self-assurance, confidence, and poise.

2). Decision Making.  Being aware of how you respond in different environments and stimuli can help when choosing where to live, what career to pursue, or even what to do on the weekend.

3). Growth.  Learning about your strengths and weaknesses is a crucial step in goal setting and personal development. 

How to Research Yourself

Self discovery is not like finding a buried treasure.  You don't suddenly uncover the ancient book of "You Secrets" and instantly understand yourself thoroughly.  We're humans, which means we change, we grow, and we adapt.  Thus, learning about oneself is a continuous process that takes time and intentional effort.  There are however, tools that can provide phenomenal insights into our lives.  I have found the following to be among the most helpful:

1). Myers Briggs Typology.  One of my undergrad professors included MB in her class and I have used it ever since.  I highly suggest paying for the real, full personality test - it is unbelievably insightful.  If you are short on cash, you can self test (just google Free Myers Briggs test).  My typology has changed over the past few years  - I'm now most closely associated with Extroverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving - or ENFP.

2). Strengths Finder.  This little book (developed by Tom Rath) includes an online personality test that will identify your greatest strengths.  Anyone that I've talked to about this book has found it extremely helpful and insightful. In case you're wondering, my biggest strengths are Adaptability, Communication, Ideation, Positivity, and Strategic.

3). Interrogate your family and friends.  It can take a bit of courage to ask people you know to analyze you, but those who truly know you can often provide invaluable perspective on your life.  Ask questions like, "What patterns of behavior do you see in me that I can work on?" "In your opinion, what are my greatest strengths and weaknesses?" "How do I handle conflict?"  "What five words best describe me?"

4). Reflection. Take time to really think about who you are.  Often times, pondering the insights provided by the above tools can assist in developing your own valuable conclusions.  I regularly take time to put aside the concerns and worries of life, retreat to a private location, and reflect on my activity, behavior, and life choices.  I also review my Myers Briggs and Strengths Finder profiles every few months.   Many times this provokes new behavior and challenges me to grow in new areas.  Best of all, it provides assurance that I am living in a way that is consistent with my goals, values, and personality.

Oh, and I re-read my own eHarmony profile.  It said I care deeply about adventure, self-discovery, and living consistently within my own value system.  Go figure.

Dude out,

-C.R.